“Y Ur Brain Iz Stoopid” [SUMMA w/ BUTT JOKES I, Q. 1, Art. 5]

This is part of an ongoing series in which I read and interpret Thomas Aquinas’s SUMMA THEOLOGICA for butt joke aficionados. See this post for more information.

Hey guys. Been a couple of weeks. (Sorry.)

Today we’re diving deep into ontology — that is, the science of being. How can you know what really is? You can’t. You’re trapped in your head. And your head is stupid.

And by the way, if you’re into ontological head-trips, I wrote a novel about that sort of thing. You should buy it. I mean, you owe me that much, right? It’s called OPHELIA, ALIVE, and it’s sort of like Stephen King meets Descartes, with lots of sex jokes and Millennial angst. What’s not to love? Check it out!



This is a stack of three copies of my book. But, just to show you what a swell guy I am, you only have to buy one.

Anyhoo, let’s get started:

I, Q. 1, Art. 5:

Whether Sacred Doctrine Is Nobler than Other Sciences?

This is the moment of truth, you guys: when we find out which science is the best science. We all know that Aquinas is going to tell us that theology is (because, y’know, job security), but personally I’m rooting for interior decorating. Continue reading

I’m orthodox, not conservative.

I got a personal message on Facebook a while back from a friend — a friend I rarely communicate with, and one I haven’t seen in years (but what do you want me to call him? an acquaintance? perish the thought!) — that goes something like this:

Facebook shows me lots of what you post. I guess because it thinks I find it interesting (or more likely it thinks I agree). I’m just curious, are you politically, economically (and even generally socially) liberal, but a conservative Christian?

THIS I really find interesting.

I mulled over this one for a while before finally responding to it, mainly because the question posed in the third sentence left me feeling a lot like the man for whom this site is (obliquely) named, Reverend Timothy Lovejoy: “Short answer ‘yes’ with an ‘if,’ long answer ‘no’ with a ‘but.'” Continue reading