This is part of an ongoing series in which I read and interpret Thomas Aquinas’s SUMMA THEOLOGICA for butt joke aficionados. See this post for more information.
Hey guys. It’s been a while.
I had kind of stopped doing this because I didn’t think anyone was reading it, but several people have asked me what happened to it, so I thought I’d pick it up again. And also, judging from the presidential election going on, we’re all desperately in need of some wisdom right now.
HE’S RIGHT BEHIND YOU
If you’re new, here’s the pitch: I’m reading through Summa Theologica, the theological opus by 13th-century philosopher St. Thomas Aquinas, offering my thoughts, and inserting butt jokes.
I’m not a trained theologian or philosopher, so I’m explicating strictly as a layman. I am, however, an expert on butt jokes.
Let’s get started.
I, Q. 1, Art. 6:
Whether This Doctrine Is the Same as Wisdom?
hi every1 im new!!!!!!! holds up spork my name is katy but u can call me t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m!!!!!!!! lol…as u can see im very random!!!!
— popular Internet meme
There’s an old xkcd comic where writer Randall Munroe theorizes that the supposedly “random” things that Internet culture finds hilarious — e.g.: pirate zombie ninja monkey penguin!!! etc. — can be explained entirely in terms of metrical feet: every damn one of them is a trochee, which if you slept through English class, is a stressed syllable followed by an unstressed syllable (PI-rate, ZOM-bie, etc.). Ignoring for a moment that probably half the nouns in English are trochees, this actually sort-of makes sense. English is naturally iambic (unstressed-stressed), so reversing this has an “unsettling” effect, and — depending on how they’re handled — unsettling things are either funny or frightening (or both). It’s why Poe wrote “The Raven” in trochees, and it’s why all five lines in a limerick open with trochees. And apparently, it’s why everyone on the Internet thinks pirates and zombies are hilarious.
CAPTION CAPTION CAPTION!!!
Given this, it was only a matter of time before my generation — the Lazy, Entitled Millennials™, the first to be raised on the Internet — grew up, started writing books, and started inserting pirates and zombies into them in an attempt to be hilarious. And since there’s already a pirate version of the Bible — one that launched an entire religion, no less — it was inevitable that we would get a zombie Bible as well. The potential should be obvious: think of how different the Bible would be if all the characters were zombies!
Unfortunately, the answer turns out to be: hardly different at all. Continue reading