“Tiny Deaths” (not all Truth is true)

I recently found myself, at the recommendation of my pastor, reading a collection of short stories by Robert Shearman entitled Remember Why You Fear Me. It was a collection of all things weird and macabre, sort of like what you might expect from a contemporary British Poe, albeit with a bit of a mildly blasphemous streak.

Toward the end of the ebook version (not the print version) is a short story entitled Tiny Deaths, which opens with Jesus’ death on the cross. In this interpretation, he hears the Father’s voice from heaven while he’s hanging there, asking him if he’s sure he wants to go through with the plan. He assents one last time, and breathes his final breath. This is followed by a resurrection…of sorts:

Trolling the Trekkies: Why ‘Wrath of Khan’ is Overrated

It occurs to me that I’m in possession of a really, really unpopular opinion. And there’s nothing the blogosphere loves more than unpopular opinions. So here goes:

I’m not that big a fan of Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan.

(Please don’t hurt me!)

In the interest of full disclosure, I’m not much of a trekkie. It’s my wife who loves the Trek, and since she refuses to give Star Wars a chance, I find myself watching all them star tracks over and over again. And they’re mostly good. I’m not saying they’re bad.

I just don’t see how Khan is the best one, even though everybody says it is. There are something like half a dozen Trek movies that hold up better.

That’s all I’m saying.

Do you want to see my personal ranking of all 12 films? Would that help?

You do? It would?

Oh, thank you! You’re so good to me, imaginary reader I’m talking to! Here’s how it breaks down for me:

Prebylutheranism 2nd Anniversary Spectacular! (My Top 10 Posts Ever)

Just because.

The other day was the second anniversary of my foray into blogging, and what a long, strange trip it’s been. I haven’t proven to be the most consistent blogger on the Web, or the one with the biggest following, or the smartest, or the funniest, or the most talented, or the best-loved, but I’m certainly…one of them?

I guess?

But one thing I am sure of is that starting this blog was a good call. Some of the things that have happened since I began it:

• I’ve been published by Cracked a couple of times;
• My work has appeared in Reader’s Digest;
• I’ve scored a book deal;
• I’ve been made a weekly columnist at Christ and Pop Culture;
• I’ve almost finished a novel (which is more of a distraction from blogging than anything, but whatever).

I thought that for this august occasion (which, ironically, is a June occasion), it might be fun to run down my blog’s top 10 posts, along with some of my commentary on them. Unless it’s not fun, in which case, I’m sorry.

We’ve All Missed the Point of ‘God’s Not Dead’ (It’s Blaxploitation)

 

He’s Shirley A. Live.

So…here’s the embarrassing post where I admit that I actually kind of liked God’s Not Dead.

Yes, it was full of terrible acting and hackneyed apologetics.

Yes, it was full of offensive stereotypes of Muslims and atheists.

Yes, for a movie supposedly about a philosophy class, it didn’t seem to have a clue what philosophy is.

And yet, taken on its own terms, it still kind of worked.

Will it convert anyone? Not with its beyond-tenuous grasp of teleology, biology and cosmology. Will it make Jesus cool again? Of course it won’t — Jesus was never cool. (Sorry, Jesus.)

But if you’re judging it on those terms, you’ve profoundly missed the point of God’s Not Dead — and of evangelical films in general.

Buttcracks and Legos: An Internet Full of Me

Hey guys,

Just thought I’d let you know that I have a couple new pieces going up around the web today.

There’s this, my latest ‘LOL Interwebz’ column for Christ and Pop Culture. It’s about buttcracks and Magic: The Gathering.

Then there’s this, a contrarian piece I wrote for The Erstwhile Philistine. It’s about The Lego Movie and The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle and why EVERY CHILDREN’S MOVIE YOU LOVE IS A LIE.

By the way, since I have your attention: Christ and Pop Culture has a podcast, and it’s phenomenal. I’m not shilling; it’s seriously my absolute favorite podcast and I listen to it all the time. And incidentally, I’ve had the pleasure of starring in three of its episodes:

• This one (Cash, Cobain, Bush);
• This one (April Fools, #CancelColbert, The Pope’s Confession);
• And this one (Participation Trophies, A Church’s Fake Persecution Stunt, “Average Barbie”).

It’s been a blast. But every single episode is great, and you should listen to them all.

Till next time!

In the Spirit of Aronofsky’s ‘Pi,’ Here’s a Mathematical Proof that ‘Noah’ Would Have Pissed Everyone Off, No Matter What

I haven’t seen Darren Aronofsky’s Noah yet (gave up movies for Lent, grr), but here’s what I’ve learned about it from the blogosphere:

• Noah is a great movie.
• Noah sucks.
• Noah is a biblical movie.
• Noah is completely unbiblical.
• Aronofsky is totally an atheist.
• No, he’s not.
• Noah is just environmentalist propaganda.
• No it’s not, and that’s stupid.
• Noah is just a bunch of subliminal Gnostic messages.
• No it’s not, and that’s even stupider.
• Every Christian should boycott Noah.
• Every Christian should see Noah.
• It’s just a movie.
• Nothing is just a movie.
• ROCK PEOPLE. ROCK PEOPLE. ROCK PEOPLE.

If you read that, you now know everything there is to know about Noah. Congratulations!

Me, dusting off my film studies degree

Those of you who are into this sort of thing can go read my latest  for Christ and Pop Culture, Why are PG-13 Films More Violent Than Their R-Rated Counterparts? The American movie ratings system lies in ruins, and someone has to pick through them, so it might as well be me.

Although, grammatically, shouldn’t that read, “it might as well be I”? Deep thoughts, man.

Flesh Like Grass: Flappy Bird, Fame, and the Fall From Grace

Illustration by Seth T. Hahne

Just a quick PSA that my long-form essay Flappy Bird, Fame, and the Fall From Grace is available for your reading pleasure in the latest issue of Christ and Pop Culture Magazine, which you can buy from the iOS newsstand here. It’s a reflective piece on what fame means, why so many yearn for it, and why so many, having experienced it, run from it. The issue has a lot of other good stuff (okay, I admit: better stuff), too, like D.L. Mayfield’s experiences with some of the Somalis who starred in Captain Phillips, and her thoughts on the Twitter flamewar between noted comedian/talking rat Patton Oswalt and RUF campus minister Sammy Rhodes. It’s three bucks, and it’s more than worth it. I promise.

Also, that three bucks goes to pay the writers. Like me. So there’s that.

I’d Like to Say a Few Words About the Oscars.

Hey all,

Quick confession, and then an announcement.

Who’s a smug boy? YOU’S a smug boy! Who wants a punch in him’s face? YOU wants a punch in you’s face! Yes you do!

Confession:

I hate the Oscars. Loathe them with every fiber of my being. Want to punch that Oscar guy in his stupid, golden face.

All the Oscars do is reward movies for being stoic, boring, inoffensive, and released-in-December. What’s the point?

Actually, I hate all awards shows, but I pay more attention to movies than to music, TV, Broadway, or peace, so I hate the Oscars more actively than I do the Grammys, the Emmys, the Tonys, or the Nobels.

(Pulitzer, you can stay. We cool.)

The upshot is that I not only ignore the Oscars, but I try to avoid any Oscar-nominated film. They’re all just boring rehashes of previous years’ winners, so why waste my time?

Oh, sweet Pulitzer. If my daring exposé on how the Oscars are terrible doesn’t win your heart, what will?

Announcement:

Instead of avoiding them this year, I’m going to AMC’s annual Oscar nominee marathon, which is happening tomorrow (2/22) and next Saturday (3/1). I’ll eventually write up the experience for Christ and Pop Culture, but I’ll also be live-tweeting it under the hashtag #OscNomHateWatch.

So, y’know. Follow along on the Twittersphere. Or join in. Or whatever it is you kids do.

Side note:

Because I know someone’s going to ask, it’s not really a hate-watch. I almost never watch something hoping to hate it. I actually hope I like all nine of the nominees. I really do.

But, y’know, if I do hate them, you’ll be the first to find out. Because, what could be more important than what some guy on the Internet thinks of a bunch of movies?

Luke is out.

Peace.

If You Like Reading Me Here, You’ll LOVE Reading Me Over There

Hello there, loyal readers (all three of you)!

The last time I made one of these announcements, I was pointing you over to that piece I wrote on the Bible for Cracked! A lot has happened since then!

The most exciting bit is that that piece managed to earn me a book deal! I’m currently working with Hollan Publishing on HOLY SH*T! The Dirtiest Bits in the Bible. I’m sort-of getting paid to read the Bible and write dick jokes, which is pretty much my dream job, so I’m basically on cloud nine!

Also exciting, though, is that I’m now a staff writer for the Christ and Pop Culture, which is a blog I’ve admired for a while. You can read my debut for them right now — it’s a piece on the racial tone-deafness of the American Right. Hopefully, it makes some sparks fly.