My Bucket List

I hear the trendy thing to do these days is to write a “bucket list,” so I thought I’d give it a shot. Here’s mine:

1. United Solutions 12-Quart Plastic Utility Pail with Spout, Blue ($9.88 on Amazon)

So classic. It’s blue. It holds three gallons. It has a spout. Handle looks pretty solid, too. And check out that price. It was $9.99, but they discounted it eleven cents! I mean, I assume.

2. Casabella 4-Gallon Bucket, Graphite ($16.67 on Amazon)

Speaking as one of the finest male housewives in the land, I admit to a certain fondness for wide-mouthed buckets. They’re so much more versatile. You can fit enormous mops in them. You can fit them under more types of faucets. A squirt of dish soap and a good sponge, and watch out, dirt! (I’m so alone.)

3. Metal Bucket Party Accessory, whatever that means ($4.60 on Amazon)

Okay, I’ll admit it. I just searched for “bucket” on Amazon.com and posted whatever came up. That said, I’m learning a lot about myself here. This has been an enlightening, soul-searching experience. I see why so many people are doing it. Also, look how shiny they are! Shiny things are amazing.

4. Mr. Bucket ($22.99? What kind of kid can afford that?)

Sing it with me now: “I’m Mr. Bucket! The balls pop out of my mouth!”

If memory serves, I was in fifth grade when that commercial came out. All the fifth grade boys I knew thought it was hilarious.

I mean, get it? Balls? Popping out of his mouth? 

Masters of wit, all of ’em.

5. Charlie Bucket (probably worth millions, since he owns that chocolate factory now)

I mean, look at him. He’s the epitome of innocence. He’s a hero. Except for when he stole those fizzy lifting drinks (which didn’t even happen in the book, so I guess it’s not canon).

He also starred in arguably the least awful film adaptation of a Roald Dahl book ever, which is something.

Side note: Why do people keep trying to make Roald Dahl books into movies? They always suck.

6. Buckethead (priceless)

You can’t fake mad guitar skills like his, raised by chickens or otherwise. On the other hand, I went to one of his shows once, back in the day, and I was honestly kind of bored. You can only listen to thundering metal licks for so many hours before they all start to sound the same. Still, he’s better at playing guitar and fighting for chicken rights than I’ll ever be.

7. A big ol’ bucket of vaguely-butter-flavored popcorn (an arm and a leg at your local movie theater)

I used to think I loved cinema. Turns out that I actually just love sitting in the dark and eating popcorn. Too bad I didn’t figure that out before I spent four years of my life earning a film studies degree.